If You’re a People Pleaser, You Need to Read This:

Does this sound like you? You get the text and maybe it’s a co-worker, a friend, a family member. They’re asking something of you. Maybe it’s a plan to get together or an extra work project they want you to take lead on. 

You have a pit in your stomach as you think to yourself I really don’t want to… but before you can even let the thought fully digest, your thumbs have already texted back: Yes! No worries! Would love to!

What you really wanted to say was I’m actually exhausted. I have too much on my plate. I’m at max capacity.

But your fear of I don’t want them to be mad at me - or even worse - I don’t want someone to not like me - took over.

It’s just my personality. You think to yourself. I’m just a people pleaser. I hate conflict. This is easier.

But what if I told you that people-pleasing actually isn’t necessarily your personality? What if I told you that, often, people-pleasing tells me more about the state of your nervous system than it does about who you are as a person?

People-pleasing is a survival mechanism. It’s an attempt for your nervous system to stay safe.

Wait - hold on. Safe? What does that even mean?

Let me back up for a second and explain to you, from a Polyvagal point of view, how your nervous system actually works. And if you’re wondering what the heck Polyvagal means, we’ll get to that, too.

Your nervous system has different behavioral survival responses. You may have heard of the common one - fight or flight, and maybe even freeze. But there’s another one out there that may be newer to you… it is called fawn. 

Fawn is another common trauma response that was introduced by therapist Pete Walker, who described the fawn response as something you go into to appease the threat (aka make whatever the threat is essentially… happy). 

Think of it this way. Your nervous system interprets that there is some sort of threat (yes, this applies to emotional threats) so when it goes into the fawn mode, it’s looking to do whatever it can to make that threat happy. If the threat is appeased, then your nervous system is safe.

You have to think about this in the context of fight/flight/freeze. If a bear was chasing you, your nervous system registers threat - BEAR - and goes into either:

1. Fight - to preserve your life

2. Flight - run the heck away to save yourself

3. Freeze (let’s play dead and hope it leaves us alone).

But when it comes to fawn - it’s interesting because this tends to happen in the context of relationships and people that may have a history of relational trauma or complex trauma.

If your caregiver was a source of love and comfort and safety, but also a source of harm (i.e. an emotional, verbal or physical abusive parent) then your nervous system may internalize that in order to stay “safe” you must appease the parent - AKA make sure mom isn’t mad at you because if she is it may become unsafe. 

Fawning is something our nervous system does to protect us. You have to remember that when you’re a child and still developing, you are fully dependent on your caregivers for your basic needs. Your caregiver is also responsible for your sense of emotional safety.

And according to Polyvagal Theory, our nervous system is constantly scanning for cues of safety and danger through a process Stephen Porges calls "neuroception" (Porges, 2011). So without you even maybe being consciously aware of it, your nervous system is tracking neuroception and determining what feels “safe” or not.

Again - what feels safe. Not what you know is safe.

So that’s why your heart races and anxiety sky-rocket at the thought of saying no to your friend. Or you want to urgently overexplain yourself. Or maybe you’re obsessively checking your phone and apologizing immediately.  It feels like an emotional threat. Your nervous system is saying: No way, it isn’t safe for someone to be upset with us. We’ve been here before and it wasn’t good so we’re going to go into protective mode - AKA fawn - and make sure we make the other person happy and they can never be upset with us.

At this point you may be thinking Ok.. kind of makes sense. But what do I do about it?

Understanding why you people-please is often the first step toward changing it.

Below are just a few steps I’d begin to take if you are ready to stop chronic people-pleasing and stop being so scared of conflict or someone being upset with you. 

1. Learn more about CPTSD & trauma here.

2. Go to therapy: If you haven’t already, start therapy. It may be helpful to work with a therapist who has an understanding and training around complex-trauma, nervous system regulation, and somatic tools. 

3. Notice what your body is telling you: Notice what comes up for you when the thought of saying “no” or someone being mad at you. What belief comes up? What would that mean about you if someone were upset with you? How does your body respond to even just that thought?

4. Validate yourself. Talk to yourself with compassion. Maybe the thought was If I say no or disappoint somebody they’ll leave me or they’ll reject me or they’ll berate me. Notice that...where does that thought come from? Did you ever have that experience with someone when you were younger? This could be a belief you developed (known as a negative cognition) and your brain and nervous system are doing everything they can now to protect you from experiencing that pain again. Validate yourself in feeling that. That makes sense. Maybe when I was younger, if I disappointed a parent, they got really mad.

   Yeah, that makes sense.

5. Regulate before you respond: Remind yourself that you are now an adult and that your needs can be met by you alone - not another person. Ask yourself what you need to feel safe right now. Is that some deep breaths? A walk? Cuddling your favorite pet? What makes you actually feel safe?

6. Practice tolerating disappointment: Remind yourself that it’s ok to listen to your needs. It’s ok to say no. The more you actually listen to yourself and hold space for what you need, the more you live in alignment with yourself. Every time you say “yes” when you really want to say “no”, you’re directly telling yourself that your needs are not as important or that you have to sacrifice your own well-being for someone else. Your brain and nervous system are always listening to you… and you deserve to put your needs and yourself first.

These are just some small steps to take when you are noticing this come up for you and it feels impossible to not people-please.

Healing isn't about becoming someone who never disappoints others. It's about teaching your nervous system that disappointing someone doesn't mean losing yourself.

Remember, you are safe now. 

Signed, a former people pleaser herself 

References:

Walker, P. (2013). Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A Guide and Map for Recovering from Childhood Trauma. Azure Coyote Publishing.

Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.

Shapiro, F. (2018). Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) Therapy: Basic Principles, Protocols, and Procedures (3rd ed.). Guilford Press.